10th October 2016
It’s peak dark all around, dead silence; I can hear nothing but my own heartbeat. I sit calmly at my own balcony alone rather than thinking about going to bed. Yes! I’m home as the festive air is swirling all around. I’m here to celebrate Dashain as before.
But, you know what? I can’t feel that exhilaration, jubilation, delightful or excitement that I should obviously feel at this time. I interrogate with myself, why actually? Why this kind of feeling? Why being so unusual?
And this weird feeling of mine makes me think about my old days, my childhood days:
“Me along with my brother and cousins used to stay in a school hostel. We used to go home not more than twice a year; one was at the festive time and another after the end of the year. The festive time vacation was evidently the most desperately awaited and joyful one. Whenever the vacation would kick-off, we all would leave for our village, walk almost 5/7 hours long journey as there was no transportation at that time. Walking was still a fun-filled with happiness as we were heading home for a month long break. And on the tika day, we used to witness the togetherness among all the families and relatives. We all gathered at the elder one’s home, have tika and jamara, blessed by the elders, eat together and pass the day talking, laughing and cherishing every moment.”
Time rolled in its own orbit. My particular family migrated to town. Still, whenever Dashain used to appear closer, the one thing that used to come in my mind was ‘village’ and the fun with cousins.
Now, I come back to my present life and think how would be my Dashain this time. I’m compelled to compare this year’s Dashain with a few year’s ago one.
“I’m here alone at my own home. Even my own family is incomplete. I think about tomorrow, the tika day. What am I gonna do? Just receive tika from my parents and done. Is that all? Is that the way one celebrates the biggest festival, Dashain? No cousins, no relatives, not eating together, not playing together. Phew!! I think about my village, my cousins, thulo dad, thulo mom and all. I think about some of them who are quite far, some outside Nepal and couldn’t make it home. Also, about all those relatives and elders that I used to visit for tika and blessings. I feel like I’ve been quite far from them as well. I remember that ‘ping’ and other games we used to play in childhood which doesn’t exist today.”
And all these things started to fade away and become fantasy since our grandma expired (grandpa died a long ago). Yes! This is the bitter truth. It’s the second Dashain since she passed away and I could feel the difference it has created. A few years ago, when we all used to rush to our village in Dashain, I feel like that was a compulsion since our family’s head was there. I was just a kid at that time, who would just enjoy the moment. I wouldn’t used to think about all these.
Now, as I’m a grown up guy, I pondered a bit and realised everything crystal clear. Now that grandma doesn’t exist, it’s like a kind of freedom to every branch family that is included in a family tree. They can visit the elder’s one if they want or not if they don’t. And nobody cares as well. This is the one thing that makes my heart wretched in such a delightful festive time. The separation of branch family from the family tree is the worst thing that a transitional generation like mine can ever experience. Yes! It’s just another natural process that everyone follows and should be followed but I just wish if it wouldn’t have disturbed festive times.
And this is how I get the answer to my few questions that my heart asked to myself about being so weird in this time. I innocently try to assure my heart stating that it’s just a genuine natural thing, which we all should admit.
Anyway, it’s Dashai tomorrow. I will have to wake up early tomorrow coz I’ve got so much of responsibility as I’m not just a kid at this time. Lol 😀
And I’ll probably rush to my village as well and reminisce all those past memories.
Happy Vijaya Dashami to everyone!