How’ve you been? Quite a time – no see, huh!
It’s been some time already since we’ve last talked; since you have scolded me, to be precise 😀
I really hope you’re doing well wherever you are 😊
Well, it’s being so hard to believe that you’re not here anymore. I can feel you being somewhere around us every time – my heart says so. However, when my mind makes me realize that you really are only into our imagination, it strikes me so hard. It feels like getting a hard punch straight to my heart – it indeed feels like falling from a cliff. But what could we do apart from accepting the bitter truth and consoling our hearts?
Life is so freaking unpredictable; everything is going well at a moment and at another, BOOM…!! We never know what’s next. That’s how I’ve summarized life into a sentence – we never know what the morning’s sunshine brings to our life and the evening’s sunset takes away from our life; we must live it and carry it on anyway anyhow.
How should I let you know how things have been messed up after you left? How should I let you know how badly we’ve been trying to carry on our lives after you left? I don’t think that there’s a simpler way to tell you how miserable the condition is in your absence. It’s a human being’s tendency to only get to understand the importance of something after we lose it. Well, now I’ve got to know how truthful the sentence itself is.
To be born – live life – & to die are the three simple steps every human being goes through. I know this is the undeviating policy of life. But now I have realized that the thing which really matters is how one lives his/her life. And, knowing that you had just lived barely three-quarters of your life is so painful. The excruciating agony that we’ve been through is so dreadful. Life can be so cruel sometimes, indeed.
Tell me honestly how badly you struggled throughout your life to contribute us the lives that we’ve been living now. Tell me how many sleepless nights you’ve spent to let us dream and fulfill those dreams we had in our minds.
Come on! Don’t hesitate. Tell me exactly how hard you’ve worked to make us who we are today.
You did all you could for our aspirations. Even if it’s barely half of the ambitions that we’ve achieved, all credit goes to you. All these times, the only thing you could think about is our future, the quality, and standard of our lives. But when it was our time to return the happiness, let you enjoy and savor every remaining moment of your life, you’re gone – gone forever. You’ve disappeared – you’ve faded away like dusk keeping us in misery until another dawn which is never going to happen.
You must have had at least some handful of dreams, wishes, desires, cravings, which we could’ve helped to fulfill, right? You never opened with us. And, while you were brawling with all your hardships to make things happen for us, you never did anything for yourself, did you? We’ve been so down on our luck for not being able to help you to take at least a thing from your bucket list. Till this time, we got so deep into the roller-coaster of our own lives that we didn’t even have a moment to think about you and do something for you which you could be proud of and take away with yourself.
We had plans for you too, I swear to God, we had. But the thing that we didn’t know about was that we didn’t have enough time to present it to you. Who could’ve imagined that you would fall off this soon? We never did, which has now been costing hell a lot. The remorseful feelings of ‘if we had done this…’ or ‘we could have done this…’ are burning us alive.
Apologies for keeping your desires uncultivated. Apologies for letting your wishes burn and turn into ashes. There might be tens and hundreds of the things that you wanted to do, things that you wanted to see, things that you wanted to experience, but couldn’t pull off even one. Apologies for being such an ineffectual kid, apologies for not being able to make you a proud Dad.
I literally don’t have any nerve to go back and remember those horrible last days we two lived together. I always refrain myself when somebody talks about it. The way you were swallowing the pain within yourself just to assure me that everything was fine, the way you were fighting so hard to make it through, and your intense desire to stay alive and live life, were the most dauntless things that I’ve ever seen in my whole life.
During those days, I got to witness what unconditional love and care really means – you were worried about your family when you yourself were in such a fragile condition. Maybe that’s the reason why people say, “Dads are superheroes and not all heroes wear capes”. I even remember your last words – GO & EAT – since then I always remember you when I am starving.
I seriously don’t have any courage to talk about so many things we went through during your last days. Maybe they will linger in my heart forever. But somehow, I’ve been able to jot these things down here, hoping that it will lighten myself even a bit.
Even those terrible days of ours have given me something in return – strength. A long-life strength that I will be going to need in the coming days. No matter how many pieces I broke into, no matter how many tears I shed, no matter how hopeless, desperate, and dejected I was, I think that you’ve made me able to withstand any kind of horrific moments in my life now. With yourself, I guess you have swept away all the terrible days of my life and left me stronger than ever.
Even while you were living this world, you gave something to me that I will need lifelong. How will I return all these things to you? When shall I return the favors, you’ve done to me? Maybe never, that’s why Dads are heroes and not all heroes wear capes.
Thanks for everything you did for us, for this beautiful life, and for the dreams we could dream of under your shadow. Thanks for letting me serve you when you needed it the most. I feel fortunate enough to have been able to spend those days with you. I feel fortunate to be there by your side, to feed you, to support you, to boost you, to care for you, and lastly, I truly feel fortunate enough to have been able to touch your feet when you were not there anymore.
Whatever happened, happened. We are trying to regain strength and carry our lives ahead. You just stay around, ok? You be happy wherever and however you are and just keep watching at us, someday you’ll definitely be a proud Dad, I’m giving my word to you.
I’ve never said this but I Love You Dad.