I am in the last seat of ‘Lalitpur yatayat’, returning back to my room from office. My phone says it’s already 5 o’clock. Winter is going on, taking pace more and more. It’s chilling cold at this time, maybe around 15 degree Celsius. I have packed myself within my coat and scarf. Trying to make myself warm, my arms are crossed around my chest.
The last seat of the bus. I’m sitting there resting my head by the window. The glassy window with horizontal iron bar. Ouch! My head feels too cold. My boiling blood inside my head encounters the chill glass and iron bar of that window. Moreover, to obstruct me more, to create more hurdles for me, a blast of cold wind is entering inside the bus. It finds the way through the window straight to the right portion of my face. The right portion of my forehead and cheeks. It shows the sign of freezing cold. My mind says, “get your head away, get it away from the window. Else the cold wind will freeze you soon.”
But, I can’t do that. I have no energy even just to lift my head from that window and take it away towards warm position. For some reason, I’m enjoying the cold breeze kissing my face even though it may create problems later. I can’t deny this fact. So, I just let my head rest beside the window and my face bear the coldness.
Why? Why am I being like this? Why can’t I just sense the coldness on my face and the need to prevent this? Why am I failing in doing just this tiny thing? What’s going on my mind? What am I thinking that’s letting me to do such silly things?
Well, digging a tunnel deep down inside my mind says there are a lot of things going on in there. A series of films are passing through my mind having various kinds of stuffs being burned in there. Questions flying through my mind that has no answers. I just can’t farm any kind of reply to them generated in my mind. They act as they are a kind of rhetorical questions. I just stay there quiet with my eyes closed. I wish to have a good nap but it just can’t happen. The external surrounding generating such loud noise and my internal state burning like volcanic lava. I forcefully close my eyes and let my mind take me to different places. While each time I visit a peculiar place, I am in different condition. My mind toggles my internal state within seconds. What a great machine it is? I wonder.
After a few minutes I open my eyes leaving myself in the same position where I was resting myself by the window. I see it’s been dark already. The headlights of the vehicles and bikes on the street are trying to brighten up the street. Everyone seems in hurry, probably going home. Seeing them, I miss my home. I want to go now, right now. Again, my mind just made a wish that can’t be fulfilled. It says, “no! nothing can happen to you. Your time is going so bad.”
I close my eyes again, with the same sorrow in my heart. My mind continues creating the scene that I had left earlier. And everything that I play in my mind makes me sad, makes me hopeless. Emotional as well. What I thought about myself, What I planned for me and where I am now, everything seems so mismatched.
I just take a long breath. Suddenly I remember one of my friend who said, “when a person takes long breath, you’ve got to know that he’s in tension.”
Yes, I am.
Now, I slowly collect some energy to take my head away from the window and rest it back to my seat. It feels warm. Feels like i gained my life back. Those thunderous feelings are all gone. I am in better state at this moment. Whilst my internal condition doesn’t seem so improved.
The pressure of my boiling blood inside my head along with the warm surrounding makes the condition unbearable. Now, I know why was I getting myself comfortable with the cold wind coming from the window. I think I am fine resting my head there by the window.
I bend my head again towards my right, on the glass, on the iron bar. My eyes are forced to get closed again. The cold breeze still is entering in looking for my face. I feel so cold, still it pleasures me cooling down my hot blood.