Looking at you (always). A surge of happiness used to take over me, never was i able to know the reason. I described it in my own ways taking one and two alternatives of what it could be. But that feeling of happiness or the satisfaction was much greater than the demand of the reason, so i never bothered. Always expected you feel the same way may be not doesn’t matter much to me it’s not like i expected something from you. You have your own life and own interests. Yet a thread of hope is always there somewhere deep even there are 1000 reasons that tell me otherwise. I am in a perfect dilemma not knowing what i do sometimes. I expect her to know that i am doing and same time i wish she doesn’t see me at the moment.
However strong will i have to hide from her i end up doing what brings her attention towards me (probably the law of attraction). She looks at me expects me to speak, while i am always in my thoughts dreaming and deciding between what to say among those million things i want to tell. And she thinks i don’t have anything to speak, while the reality is i have so much to speak about i am not sure where to start. (Prioritizing and Selection always being my weak points).
However she is not bored ( maybe she is), she keeps on talking, telling things trying hard to keep the conversation alive, while i just listen to her enjoying her every words, how she speaks and still in my world of thoughts.( sometimes i really think why do i get lost so much). This is my state every time i am with her. Always had that attraction towards her, not necessarily to make her life partner but somewhere between good friend and girl friend. Told her about this once or twice, she seems to have different perspective to all this ( or shows something else to me). She always seems excited to hear my stories whatever it may be ( probably because i speak too less). Same excitement was there when she asked something and i went on saying all.( wow! i actually spoke) She looked happy that i am speaking or maybe the stories i was telling were more interesting to her than i thought they were. (Never mattered though) I finally completed my short rough and bumpy story, then she tries to confirm,” you are in a relationship??”. I replied with positive note. She has hard time believing it. Everything was fine till then, few moments then all that excitement just vanished in flash. In front of me i saw a dull disappointed face. She seemed clueless, (Did I do anything wrong). For a moment i cursed myself for telling her. I couldn’t understand what the reason for her disappointment was. Maybe it’s because she didn’t expect that from me, or she had the same thinking i always had. ( or maybe i am thinking too much like i usually do, maybe she didn’t have anything to reply to me). I had all this millions thought increasing and my good self and bad self in two sides having a debate on what i did was right or wrong. For few moments there was silence, i always loved this silence (not today), this silence are the times i had best conversation with her (well in my thoughts). She finally spoke she took topic somewhere else a bit of related but different she told few stories. Ever thing seemed fine to me then. Whatever she may have in her thought that time and after that time ( maybe she didn’t even took the thing seriously), for a moment there, maybe fraction of minutes i felt she used to be in same state i always have been ( well i think and feel too much). But a positive reply from me faded her smile!
Author– Shiva Pandey